the night i couldn't stop crying

I have to be careful writing this post, or I'll burst into a hot mess again. And although I do try to keep some of my personal life well er, personal... I really feel like someone out there needs to read this.

On the eve of my 2 month anniversary, I was having a normal day, pretty much like any other day. We had stayed up until after one the night before talking and talking and talking. So I sleepily dropped my husband off at work, and headed to school. Throughout the day I kept having negative thoughts come to my mind. INCREDIBLY negative, and more specifically about my husband. It was odd. And I knew it. So I evaluated the thoughts, and realized I didn't believe any of those things which had come to mind. Which can only mean one thing... Satan was invading my thoughts.

I worked really hard to get the thoughts out of my mind by thinking of everything positive about my husband. (Which was SO easy.) Then all of the sudden, my negative thoughts turned, to me. How neglected my husband must be, how selfish I am, how hard I must make life for my husband, how big of a moocher I am for making my husband provide for me, and how horrible I was. It was awful. I tried everything, all of my tricks for positive thinking. I tried to think of all the good things I do in my marriage, and all the goals I have set and am working on. But it was like there was a big black fog over my mind, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't push my way out of it.

It showed. When I got home I just wanted to cuddle, but Mr. Jolley insisted we could cuddle after the gym and our scheduled date night. That made me TICKED. And I knew that someone else was controlling my emotions, so I just kept my mouth shut. After all, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" right? My husband knew something was wrong, but I knew if I opened my mouth I would say things I didn't mean. I wanted to complain about EVERYTHING.


The temple date night went as scheduled, and the fog in my mind cleared quite a bit, not completely, but enough that I was able to focus on the session and even smile at my husband and enjoy our time together. As soon as we left the feelings were back. I was the worst wife ever. I had to be. I couldn't stop thinking of all my flaws.

We got home, read scriptures, Mr. Jolley prayed, and we turned out the lights with only an "I Love You." After 30 minutes of tossing and turning, I got out of bed. I knew I wasn't gonna sleep so I started studying for school in the front room. After a few minutes Mr. Jolley stumbled out of the room and asked what was up. I told him I couldn't sleep. He asked why. I told him, "I am mad at myself." And then I burst into tears.

Sobbing, gut-wrenching, headache-causing, anxiety-attack tears. I have never EVER cried so hard in my life. I told him all the reasons I thought I was the worst wife ever. I sobbed on the couch. On the bathroom floor. In the kitchen. And Mr. Jolley followed me around, accepting my apology and reminding me how much he loved me and how wonderful I am. It wasn't helping. 45+ minutes later, I was still crying. I was shaky, dizzy, frustrated and miserable. So I asked for a Priesthood blessing. Right then and there my sweet, amazing husband gave me one of the most powerful priesthood blessings I have ever received. I was known, I was loved, and MY Heavenly Father was proud of ME for my efforts in my marriage. He was aware of me. I was loved. And suddenly I was calm.

As I talked things out a little more with my husband I realized something and told him, "I have never felt the power of Satan more profoundly than I did today. And it was scary. Nothing could get him out of my head. I wasn't powerful enough on my own. I didn't know how to be." But when my husband laid his hands on my head, I thought of the words of Joseph Smith,

"I was destined to prove a disturber and an annoyer of (Satan's) kingdom; else why should the powers of darkness combine against me?"

I'm going to put my sassiness to good use, he SHOULD be afraid. Because you want to know what is more powerful that darkness? Light. And more powerful than fear? Faith. I am on God's team. And God's team will ALWAYS win. Always.


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10 comments:

Rachael @ Pretty in Pink said...

Satan has been tempting me a lot too... and it's horrible. Sometimes you need those big, heavy tears. What a blessing you have to have such a wonderful, loving husband. You are enough in His eyes, which is all that matters. <3

April @ Hansen Love said...

beautiful. In so many ways. I love that you were able to post this. I am very sorry that you had to go through this! but thank goodness for the power that comes with priesthood. Thank goodness we have the most powerful, mighty, loving God on our side. Some times when those thoughts come into my mind that I am the only one who makes dinner, i'm the only one who does laundry and the dishes, and then I think, Jake goes to work everyday and works his butt off, then goes to the farm and works, then comes home and works on the yard. Satan has sneaky ways, but God is almighty. You are amazing! Thank you for this post. It is hard to recognize that it is satan that is putting those things there, but its best to realize it and put the light there as quick as possible! :)

Aubrey said...

i love these kind of posts. i always find them a little hard to right, but i think they make the most impact to other people. i'm glad you were finally able to feel better.

Charlene Maugeri said...

I know that feeling! You just get in a mood where you can't stop thinking negative things. One thing leads to another in your mind until you are miserable. It makes no sense. There is no way to describe it other than Satan. I am glad your husband was able to help you and you realized you are loved by the Father. It's a good reminder we all need to be given at times!

Amanda Schroeder said...

Do you know what's absolutely insane? The Family: A Proclamation to the WOrld came out long before Satan had as much power over families, right? And nowadays, it's just out of control. I can't even tell you the amount of times I have seen Satan try and come into my life, try to ruin my marriage. We've had so many struggles and so many times, I have thought of negativity and putting the blame on myself. But NO. Thanks for posting this, darlin! You're strong. And I look up to you a lot.

Life with Amberly said...

Ah, girl, you are an amazing wife!!! All of us here in the blog world look up to you, always remember that!!!

SaraM said...

Ok I LOVE this!!! Especially since I just watched The Saratov Approach last night! My favorite part is when the former hostage recounts his experience and says, "Light will always overcome darkness." So powerful and so true! Hang in there, honey! You have a God who loves you, a husband who holds the powers of heaven in his hands, and faith enough to make them work in your life. Satan doesn't stand a chance against such a tri-force!

Kendra Klingler said...

Satan sure is powerful!! But you are a wonderful wife. And hey, there are days that we feel like we aren't, but you know what we always do our best no matter what!! My husband and I every evening we say at least 2 things why we love each other, and the things that my husband told me, I never knew how much of a good wife I was. As long as your support and serve him, nothing can go wrong. We all love you!! <3

Kelsey Eaton said...

Just the other day Sierra and I were talking about how awesome you are and how we are so proud of you for setting all of your marriage goals. You are a wonderful example!

Lindsey said...

Oh honey I'm so glad you're okay! I'm so glad the Mr. is such a sweet worthy priesthood holder! Miss/Love you!